Friday, April 24, 2009

Of Molehills and Mermaids: The Very Screwed-up World of Mark Dice

Okay, I can understand why Alex Jones thinks Glenn Beck is working for Them: Beck decided that there might not be a FEMA gulag, after all. But why does fundamentalist Christian "culture jammer"/conspiracist/Truther Mark Dice oppose Dan Brown's Angels and Demons? I mean, the book deals with all the same retarded crap topics Dice talks about:

- Illuminati Satanists rule the world.
- Occult symbolism is everywhere, hidden in plain sight.
- Catholics suck. (this is a belief held by the Illuminati Satanists, but Dice concurs)
- Science is really, really scary and only crazy bastards who worship the Devil use it.

These are the reasons Dice gave on Jason Bermas' show The Infowarrior, on his website, and in his new book Illuminati: Facts and Fiction:

- Angels and Demons could be a "purposeful whitewash of the real Illuminati",
- It could "muddy the waters for real researchers of the Illuminati".
- Because it's a work of fiction, it could lead people to believe the Illuminati isn't real, or at least confuse them as to what's factual and what isn't. For instance, the Illuminati really did take over Freemasonry.
- Brown has "links to the Illuminati". Namely, he attended Exeter. Dice says the Illuminati has heavily funded this school and used it as a neo-Platonic training ground for their ungodly spawn.
- Brown's former publisher, Random House, belongs to a media group that published Nazi propaganda.

I have to admit, Dice's concerns about a Dan Brown novel and a Tom Hanks movie actually make more sense than most of his other concerns:

- Dice led a boycott of Starbucks not because of its mediocre, overpriced coffee, nor its obnoxiously self-conscious green-ness, nor because there are nearly as many Starbucks in the U.S. as there are universities, but because that mermaid chick appears to be topless and spreading her legs (even though she probably doesn't have any, being a mermaid and all). He wants boycotters to refer to the chain as Slutbucks. Which is a decent name for a peeler bar, but I digress.
Interestingly, earlier this year Egyptian Cleric Safwat Hegazy also called for a boycott, claiming that the Starbucks mermaid is really the Jewish queen Esther (a hoax has some people believing that Starbucks donates vast sums of money to Israel, and Hegazy once issued a fatwa commanding Muslims to kill any Jews they encountered).
So which will it be, guys? Marine harlot or Biblical figure? You can't both be right, unless you want to argue that Esther was a fish.

- Jessica Simpson should be ashamed of herself for washing a car in a bikini, Fox News anchors should be ashamed of themselves for wearing short skirts, and Barbie should be ashamed of herself for wearing fishnets. Only mermaids would do something so depraved.

- The sports teams at Duke must stop using the name Blue Devils. I assume devil's food cake is also an abomination, perpetrated by that Illuminati whore known as Little Debbie.

Other Sources:
- The Resistance Manifesto (Mark Dice's website)
- "The link between Israeli troops and a double decaf non-fat moccachino" by Michael Coren. The National Post online. January 16/09.

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